Hey so this is what’s been going on in my life recently (in convenient, bulleted-list form bc that’s how I roll):
sometimes i think i think so much it makes me sick.
i want to be so much, do so much, go so many places.
and i guess the truth is that i’m scared. really scared.
i’m scared i’ll never get to do what i want. i have all these dreams for myself but i don’t know how to set them in motion or i’m too weak to fulfill them.
i want to sleep for a week, and when i wake up, i want it to be summer. i want it to be summer and i want to do nothing. i want to be free.
unfortunately, free and nothing don’t look good on college applications. they don’t look good on any application.
i’m going to bed.
so it’s almost 9 pm which is different because usually i blog at odd hours of the night but i figured i’d update anyone who cares with what’s going on in my life lately.
i got my car back and it only cost $50 to fix the mega-fucking-huge dent that i put into it when i backed into ryan’s truck (however i still have to pay my mom the $50 because i’m supposed to pay for all the damages)
i’ve been working literally all weekend omg this is not how my spring break was meant to go. wednesday night i went home and did nothing. thursday night i worked 1 to 4:30 and then went to brianna’s house where we cuddled and watched 500 days of summer and ate sour patch kids and brown sugar poptarts despite my lenten promise to stay away from junk food. on friday i went thrifting with katie and brianna. i tried on so many clothes omg and we were all in one tiny dressing room it was very awkward and if i go next weekend which i might then i’ll definitely go by myself. i only bought one thing: a light blue and white vertically striped sleeve jumpsuit which i’ll either roll up the bottoms because they’re too short and look funny or cut them off into shorts. i also worked 5 to 7, and then went to a dance put on by juniors for post prom. (i grinded for the first time. twice. badly. i also felt a boner. so. there was that. it was super awkward. not sure if i’ll ever do it again as i was completely bored the entire dance even when i was dancing with people.) today i worked 1 to 6
when i got home i warmed up some mac n cheese and made some earl grey and watched an episode of skins
i love franky like tbh i think she’s my favorite character out of everyone so far
i’m definitely going to cut my hair up to my shoulders next month i think and maybe get highlights and/or a streak (blue/green/red???) but i haven’t decided yet
i’ll have a decent paycheck this month because of how much i’ve been working
choir and band contest is in two weeks and i’m ready for choir but not for band lol it’s horrendous
i’m supposed to be writing student congress speeches tomorrow but i’m procrastinating because student congress can die
another lenten promise was to give up swearing which i’ve been doing okay at but not great (i swore above, too)
anyway, i really need to start on this speech.
ps i changed my theme please check it out
i’m in a really weird place right now like it’s 11:40 at night and i just finished watching “the first time” with britt robertson and dylan o’brien in it and it’s really cute and funny and real and i think it really depicts teenagers well (obviously some parts more than others) and i really just need to vent for a while if that’s okay
um back in middle school i used to starve myself i mean not for a really long time or anything i would just restrict my calorie count to like 800 a day which is obviously not healthy but i mean i would still eat and yes i realize that was a problem but those feelings came back again because you never see people in movies who aren’t skinny and i’m skinny but i’m not that skinny and i want to be that skinny and if i just lost like 10 fricken pounds i’d be that skinny but today i ate half a jar of nutella so there’s that lol
i really want to drive again i miss driving so much ugh i want my car fixed i want to stop hitching rides with my friends because i feel awful about it and sigh nope driving relaxes me and gives me time to think and gives me alone time and i would walk to school but it’s fricken cold it’s like 10 below no thanks lmao
i want to cut my hair like emma watson in perks but my mom won’t let me lol
i want to be a whale in the ocean i want to swim in the ocean i want to breathe in the mist i want to feel the sand between my toes i want to feel the warm sun on my exposed skin i want to squint at the blinding sunrise i want to keep my balance with my arms out while climbing on rocks with the breeze almost blowing me over
i want no homework
i want a boy again lol like idk not even necessarily a boyfriend because i especially seem to have bad luck with them but i enjoy the mutual feeling of desire and wanting to talk to that person and knowing they care about what you have to say and vice versa and i want to go on an actual date god damn it i want to do cute shit
i want someone to teach me how to skateboard because i used to know how but i wasn’t very good at it but this summer i’m going to drive to the beach in the early morning when no one’s there and skateboard and it will be really fricken fun and cliche and i want that
i want pizza
i want summer so bad i’m so sick of school and people and expectations and tests and being grounded and ew i want to jump off of bridges into the water and climb up on buildings that i’m not supposed to and take walks at 3 am and sit on the sidewalk of the three lane and watch the few cars go buy and make up stories of where the people in them are going
i’m so bored and disinterested in everything and i hate it and i hate myself for feeling this way because it’s my fault i see the world this way idk i see the world with so much potential but i’m too lazy to tap into that potential and even if i tried i don’t know how to do it enough so it would reach my expectations and i’m not supposed to care about my expectations i guess because they’re unrealistic and even if i did a shit job of trying to tap into the potential it would be fine because i’d at least have tried but i want everything to be great and it’s not
i’m not making sense anymore, sorry
yes hi hello there so the last time I posted was like thanksgiving break lmao so in recent news:
Hey there. It’s been a really fricken long time, hasn’t it? As per usual, a lot has happened. I’ll put it in a convenient bulleted list, because let’s be real, who doesn’t love bulleted lists?
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and even if you don’t like spending time with your family I hope you have a great time regardless
WHY AM I NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH FOR ANYONE OH MY HOLY FUCK I AM SO DUMB
Hey here’s another life update which will probably be really long so feel free to just casually scroll past like all swerve and shit ok
Oh my God reading back on all my personal posts is just so cringey like no Shauna no matter how hard you try, you will never be British, stop using slang! (((and stop being depressed, you have no idea of the shit that’s ahead of you)))
LIKE CAN I PUNCH YOUNGER ME? PLS?
Okay so the last time I posted it was about band and the color run and a boy being dumb so this will basically just be a huge life update/rant okay here we go:
DON’T FUCKING ASK ME ABOUT OTHER GIRLS GOD DAMMIT THIS IS WHAT YOUR GUY FRIENDS ARE FOR LIKE GET THE FUCK OUT YOU MOTHER FUCKER
S/O to Hannah for FaceTiming me this morning. That was pretty rad even though I had to cut her off because I needed to shower. <3
So today I had a lot of things I needed to get done before 5 pm. I made a list.
I’m done with everything except the last and I have a full 45 minutes to do it before I have to go pick up a friend so we can go to a photography proofing sesh downtown.
After that, my mom and I will be leaving town so we can get to this color run. Check in tomorrow morning is at like 7:30 am lmao so we’d have to wake up at like 4 to get there and nOPE.
Tonight we had the first marching band rehearsal of the school year and it was really ace. My friend Morgan and I are the main bass drum players and we both really suck and the freshman who’s supposed to play bass with us didn’t show up. But these three amazing seniors who literally made my year came and it made me smile so much. One of them was a tuba player so he didn’t play, he just harassed this nasty, dipshit sophomore who thinks he’s hilarious (like this year they actually duct-taped his limbs together and threw him in a dark practice room. It was the funniest thing ever. The kid didn’t even care, omg). The other two were both bass with me last year (one of them I consider one of my best friends and I’m going to miss her a ridiculous amount when she goes off to college in 18 days) and they played a few songs with us. I can’t read music for shit so I’m really scared this year because technically I’m supposed to be the best bass drum person. HAHA NOPE. Basically band this year will be me bs-ing every song we play, but whatever. I’m actually really looking forward to the school year. I’m happy it starts next week.
Also, next week, on Monday, cross country starts. I’m really super nervous about it this year because the top girl and top boy got in trouble and are out for the full season and the beginning of the season, respectively. WHICH MAKES ME THE LEADER. I AM THE NEXT OLDEST. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANOTHER YEAR THAT I COULD COWER BEHIND A LEADER. I DON’T WANT TO “TAKE CHARGE.” I’M NOT GOOD AT THAT TYPE OF THING, DAMMIT.
God, I don’t know why I’m still holding on to you. You let me go. You had me. You lost me. You were everything I wanted. You still are, but you’re becoming less and less each day. I thought I was done with this goddamn pining but I guess not. I don’t want you out of my life but it’s hard having you in it. I don’t understand why I was second choice, again. I’m just so fucking sick of this. Just because it’s happened so many times doesn’t make it hurt any less. I keep saying I’m done with you, and I promise you, I’m trying to be done with you, but I just can’t let go. You’re not worth it anymore. I shouldn’t want to be with someone who makes my heart hurt. I can’t be with someone who makes my heart hurt. That’s not what love is. I never loved you, but I thought I might be able to. I guess not. I’m so fucking done.