hi i took this tonight xxx

hi i took this tonight xxx

I’m getting really desperate and lonely and I’m scared I’ll give up morals for the sake of ~*~luv~*~ omfg I just wanna kiss boys and eat pizza and take walks and share milkshakes and shit it’s not that hard I’m cute and nice why do I not have a boyfriend I’m mad

Hey so this is what’s been going on in my life recently (in convenient, bulleted-list form bc that’s how I roll):

  • We finally finished Annie. It was a long two months but our final performances, thankfully, were a total contrast to each and every rehearsal. So thank God for everyone’s ability to pull their shit together when it matters most.
  • The second performance day I woke up at 6:30 and headed to honor choir auditions. I had to sing a memorized Italian solo I’ve been practicing since June or July and that went okay other than the fact that I forgot to breathe through my diaphragm until my last stanza lol. We had to do tonal memory (which I’m hella good at), take a written test of 20 musical terms/things to do with sharps and flats (which was easy af), and sight reading (which I’m hella BAD at hahaha I got like 2/7 right) and I won’t find out whether or not I got in until MAY. UGH.
  • Thursday we left for the capitol for state student congress. (Apparently it’s actually only districts but it determines whether you go to nationals or not so we just call it state???) Friday was super fun because unlike debate, I actually like student congress. We got home around 10 and because I’m smart I stayed up until like 1.
  • I got up the next morning to judge junior high oral interp at 5:30 and had lots of fun. After that my friend Hannah and I brainstormed student council ideas and got ready to go pick up Brianna. We went to Walmart to kill time and then ate at IHOP. After that we drove to my friend Rebekah’s prom and she and her boyfriend are TOO CUTE. I hope they get married because they’re perfect for each other and seeing how happy she is around him makes my heart hurt.
  • When I got home my mom and I fought a bit but it wasn’t really a fight. I told her that I was a piece of shit lol so at least I was telling the truth hashtag comedy
  • Also track started so basically I hate myself lol I’ve gone to like 6 practices and I haven’t practiced in 4 days and tomorrow we work a junior high meet so we obviously won’t have practice and the next day we have a meet HAHAHA WHAT AN ACTUAL JOKE (did I mention I’m missing our forensics awards banquet for the second year in a row??? YEAH.)
  • I’ve just felt intensely despondent and detached from the world for the past month or so and I don’t like it but I don’t know how to get out of it so whatever I guess
  • I hope your lives are going better than mine atm

hi. 

sometimes i think i think so much it makes me sick.

i want to be so much, do so much, go so many places.

and i guess the truth is that i’m scared. really scared. 

i’m scared i’ll never get to do what i want. i have all these dreams for myself but i don’t know how to set them in motion or i’m too weak to fulfill them.

i want to sleep for a week, and when i wake up, i want it to be summer. i want it to be summer and i want to do nothing. i want to be free.

unfortunately, free and nothing don’t look good on college applications. they don’t look good on any application.

i’m going to bed.

hi. 

so it’s almost 9 pm which is different because usually i blog at odd hours of the night but i figured i’d update anyone who cares with what’s going on in my life lately.

i got my car back and it only cost $50 to fix the mega-fucking-huge dent that i put into it when i backed into ryan’s truck (however i still have to pay my mom the $50 because i’m supposed to pay for all the damages)

i’ve been working literally all weekend omg this is not how my spring break was meant to go. wednesday night i went home and did nothing. thursday night i worked 1 to 4:30 and then went to brianna’s house where we cuddled and watched 500 days of summer and ate sour patch kids and brown sugar poptarts despite my lenten promise to stay away from junk food. on friday i went thrifting with katie and brianna. i tried on so many clothes omg and we were all in one tiny dressing room it was very awkward and if i go next weekend which i might then i’ll definitely go by myself. i only bought one thing: a light blue and white vertically striped sleeve jumpsuit which i’ll either roll up the bottoms because they’re too short and look funny or cut them off into shorts. i also worked 5 to 7, and then went to a dance put on by juniors for post prom. (i grinded for the first time. twice. badly. i also felt a boner. so. there was that. it was super awkward. not sure if i’ll ever do it again as i was completely bored the entire dance even when i was dancing with people.) today i worked 1 to 6

when i got home i warmed up some mac n cheese and made some earl grey and watched an episode of skins 

i love franky like tbh i think she’s my favorite character out of everyone so far

i’m definitely going to cut my hair up to my shoulders next month i think and maybe get highlights and/or a streak (blue/green/red???) but i haven’t decided yet

i’ll have a decent paycheck this month because of how much i’ve been working

choir and band contest is in two weeks and i’m ready for choir but not for band lol it’s horrendous

i’m supposed to be writing student congress speeches tomorrow but i’m procrastinating because student congress can die

another lenten promise was to give up swearing which i’ve been doing okay at but not great (i swore above, too)

anyway, i really need to start on this speech.

ps i changed my theme please check it out 

hi.

i’m in a really weird place right now like it’s 11:40 at night and i just finished watching “the first time” with britt robertson and dylan o’brien in it and it’s really cute and funny and real and i think it really depicts teenagers well (obviously some parts more than others) and i really just need to vent for a while if that’s okay

um back in middle school i used to starve myself i mean not for a really long time or anything i would just restrict my calorie count to like 800 a day which is obviously not healthy but i mean i would still eat and yes i realize that was a problem but those feelings came back again because you never see people in movies who aren’t skinny and i’m skinny but i’m not that skinny and i want to be that skinny and if i just lost like 10 fricken pounds i’d be that skinny but today i ate half a jar of nutella so there’s that lol

i really want to drive again i miss driving so much ugh i want my car fixed i want to stop hitching rides with my friends because i feel awful about it and sigh nope driving relaxes me and gives me time to think and gives me alone time and i would walk to school but it’s fricken cold it’s like 10 below no thanks lmao

i want to cut my hair like emma watson in perks but my mom won’t let me lol

i want to be a whale in the ocean i want to swim in the ocean i want to breathe in the mist i want to feel the sand between my toes i want to feel the warm sun on my exposed skin i want to squint at the blinding sunrise i want to keep my balance with my arms out while climbing on rocks with the breeze almost blowing me over

i want no homework

i want a boy again lol like idk not even necessarily a boyfriend because i especially seem to have bad luck with them but i enjoy the mutual feeling of desire and wanting to talk to that person and knowing they care about what you have to say and vice versa and i want to go on an actual date god damn it i want to do cute shit

i want someone to teach me how to skateboard because i used to know how but i wasn’t very good at it but this summer i’m going to drive to the beach in the early morning when no one’s there and skateboard and it will be really fricken fun and cliche and i want that

i want pizza

i want summer so bad i’m so sick of school and people and expectations and tests and being grounded and ew i want to jump off of bridges into the water and climb up on buildings that i’m not supposed to and take walks at 3 am and sit on the sidewalk of the three lane and watch the few cars go buy and make up stories of where the people in them are going

i’m so bored and disinterested in everything and i hate it and i hate myself for feeling this way because it’s my fault i see the world this way idk i see the world with so much potential but i’m too lazy to tap into that potential and even if i tried i don’t know how to do it enough so it would reach my expectations and i’m not supposed to care about my expectations i guess because they’re unrealistic and even if i did a shit job of trying to tap into the potential it would be fine because i’d at least have tried but i want everything to be great and it’s not

i’m not making sense anymore, sorry

yes hi hello there so the last time I posted was like thanksgiving break lmao so in recent news:

  • boys still don’t like me
  • we go to state one-acts on friday
  • i ran like twice (pls hold ur applause)
  • it’s rly fricken cold
  • i had 3 tests today ew
  • i still hate school
  • i got my car stuck while backing out of my alley (don’t take this sexually lmao)
  • i’ve decided i’m gonna give up swearing for lent
  • i miss ellie
  • half of my friends are mad at each other, the other half has no idea what’s even going on
  • i work on valentine’s day which isn’t rly a problem bc
  • did i mention boys don’t like me?
  • i also have a debate meet on valentine’s day???
  • i sang the national anthem at a basketball game last night and i think it went ok
  • i’m singing house of the rising sun for our school pops concert on monday and my choir director is making me sing it in front of everyone tomorrow
  • like no
  • i start sweating and shaking and my face gets rly red this is not a good idea
  • i started skins and i’m on season 4 or 5 idk
  • i’m also on season 6 of supernatural like episode 11 and i’m proud bc from july to like december i didn’t watch it at all and i was on season 5 after watching it for like 3 months straight
  • yeah that’s all i got ily all thx for keeping up w my crap blog
  • bye

Hey there. It’s been a really fricken long time, hasn’t it? As per usual, a lot has happened. I’ll put it in a convenient bulleted list, because let’s be real, who doesn’t love bulleted lists?

  • The boy I’d been talking to since August (the boy I went to homecoming with) and I stopped being a thing
  • For a while I was really hurt by it but now I’m okay and he’s still really cool and we talked like all night tonight just like we used to and that was really nice.
  • Thanksgiving Break started after school Wednesday
  • I’m insanely jealous of anyone who has the entire week off
  • I might go Black Friday shopping for the first time???
  • I FaceTimed Hannah yesterday
  • I saw all of my favorite graduates today because they came to school for shits and giggles and wow I love them
  • I went out to eat with my favorite graduate ever (that person being Rachel) and I love her so much
  • We went thrifting afterwards and I bought two Christmas presents and a gigantic men’s sweatshirt that says “Alaska Wilderness” on it and it’s really warm and comfy Idk I love massive sweaters and sweatshirts
  • It’s almost Christmas
  • I’ve been listening to pop punk Christmas music for about a week now
  • I’m really excited for Christmas like really really really excited
  • I feel like writing (!!!)
  • I get to see one of my friends who moved away again on Friday

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and even if you don’t like spending time with your family I hope you have a great time regardless

WHY AM I NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH FOR ANYONE OH MY HOLY FUCK I AM SO DUMB

Hey here’s another life update which will probably be really long so feel free to just casually scroll past like all swerve and shit ok

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Oh my God reading back on all my personal posts is just so cringey like no Shauna no matter how hard you try, you will never be British, stop using slang! (((and stop being depressed, you have no idea of the shit that’s ahead of you)))

LIKE CAN I PUNCH YOUNGER ME? PLS?

Okay so the last time I posted it was about band and the color run and a boy being dumb so this will basically just be a huge life update/rant okay here we go:

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DON’T FUCKING ASK ME ABOUT OTHER GIRLS GOD DAMMIT THIS IS WHAT YOUR GUY FRIENDS ARE FOR LIKE GET THE FUCK OUT YOU MOTHER FUCKER

S/O to Hannah for FaceTiming me this morning. That was pretty rad even though I had to cut her off because I needed to shower. <3

So today I had a lot of things I needed to get done before 5 pm. I made a list. 

  • Pack for this weekend (I’m going to Minnesota tonight because I’m doing a color run there tomorrow.)
  • Finish Heaven is For Real (because for confirmation, we use a point system, and that will finish off some points for me)
  • Make a bulleted list for confirmation Statement of Faith (because I haven’t done shit on mine and it’s supposed to be done around mid-September. I’ve had a full year to work on it hahahaha kms)
  • Figure out 5 possible ideas for 2013-2014 original oratory (because in debate class, we have to write an oratory or an extemp and there’s no way in hell I would go the extemp route because you have to think on your feet, something I’m no good at. Here’s what I came up with: feminism, pressure, time management, childism ((prejudice against children, basically)), and self- analysis/awareness)
  • Write letters to Hannah and Ellie (because they’ve both written me and I have yet to reply)

I’m done with everything except the last and I have a full 45 minutes to do it before I have to go pick up a friend so we can go to a photography proofing sesh downtown.

After that, my mom and I will be leaving town so we can get to this color run. Check in tomorrow morning is at like 7:30 am lmao so we’d have to wake up at like 4 to get there and nOPE.

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